Thursday, October 8, 2009

Fraternizing with the enemy: Florida

A hale and hearty welcome to the what Nature Boy Ric Flair called, "the best blogger going on today, WOOOOO!", Mr. Orson Swindle of Every Day Should Be Saturday ladies and gents. He agreed, in exchange for a complete set of game programs from the 1979 UF football season, to be interviewed by this outfit. Away we go...

1. Outside of the qb position, who has been the Blue & Orange's biggest offensive threat? How should the Purple & Gold go about stopping them or scheming against that?

The biggest offensive threat besides the qb (whoever that is) will be RB Jeff Demps. Demps is the fastest player LSU will face this year in terms of both straight speed and elusiveness. Tackle him firmly, or risk discovering the ability to slip arm tackles most people don't know he has. A blur with a jersey who you do not want to see retreating from your perspective and on to the infinite horizon, because he disappears in a hurry.

2. Should there be an established exchange rate for taunts and profanity directed towards opposing fans in return for libations and renowned food? Or do we have a handle on this already?

The established range is this: one toss-off accusation of homosexuality=beer in can, combo homosexuality accusation + major profanity= beer and food, any exchange past that involves multiple beers, food, and of course invitations to each others' holidays afterwards. This is all contingent on tolerant and cheerful behavior by the visiting fan; if they do not pass the initial test, you owe them nothing.

3. We all know who is most likely the best coach during the game, but who would you rather team up with during a zombie apocalypse, Meyer or Miles? Someone else? (JoePa not elligible for reasons already known).

I'm going with Meyer thanks to his discipline, ability to adjust, and steely composure. Miles might decide to find this risky but potentially impregnable bunker across town, venture successfully through hordes of unwitting zombies, and then discover his gamble has paid off in what turns out to be a greenhouse with a loud, zombie-attracting burglar alarm that he sets off accidentally. If I had to pick an alternate, I'd take Howard Schnellenberger, because you know there's nothing he hasn't seen before, zombie invasion included.

4. Is there a weakness in that Florida defense, something for Crowton to exploit in the first quarter and then inexplicably abandon? Case in point, as predicted by a certain smart and handsome writer, Florida and Harvin abused LSU from the slot last year with linebackers laughably trying to defend man to man.

The best solution really is the oldest trick in the book: pound up the middle, control clock, and let Jordan Jefferson throw off the fake into the vacated spots in the defense. It's as good a plan as anyone has had, and certainly better than whatever baroque fanciness Crowton will want to throw out there.

5. Airplane or Caddyshack?

Caddyshack, but only because of the combo of Ted Knight and Rodney Dangerfield.

If you haven't asked someone "you wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?" you haven't lived.

6. What's more fun, the first trip to Tiger Stadium or the second time, when you know what to expect?

Probably the first time, since I am now fairly certain I won't get killed. Once you know you won't die doing something, it's never quite as fun.

7. Will God hold it against us if we hurt Tebow? Not saying we want to, but it could happen. And there are a lot of Catholics down here and they love guilt and all.

Trick question: you'd have to ask Tebow that, since HE IS GOD.

8. How old are the religious jokes with Tebow?

Positively antediluvian. I plan on riding them 'till they die, though, because they never get old for me, and therefore can't possibly be old for anyone else.

9. Name the LSU player you'd most like to draft onto your team based on this year so far?

Terrance Tolliver, We're in serious need of a wideout, and he appears to be the standard running-back sized, fleet-footed muscular bastards you always end up with at LSU.

10. Why has Florida not blessed us with another Tony Joiner-ism? It's not too late to have Joe Haden or Ryan Stamper do something and be cleared to play.

You're certainly right, though Haden and Stamper would be poor suspects. My money would be on a concussed Tebow, who in a confused rage is capable of inflicting serious damage on an unwary populace. If he gets loose, perplexed, and scared, call the National Guard, because it's gonna look like the video game Rampage when he's done.

(ed: I only picked Haden or Stamper since their names would be easily translated into a verb a la "I'm gonna Tony Joiner my car out of that tow lot." Nothing personal against messrs Stamper or Haden. I didn't name Jenkins since he might hear of it, find me and physically confront me. That would be bad)

11. Prediction?

16-10. Unpretty, close, and ultimately a Florida victory thanks to special teams and defense. No one's blowing doors on anyone in a game of two teams still attempting to find their offensive rhythm.

I love it, the man used antediluvian. While we normally don't cotton to such talk, we embrace it this time. Let's see how the Nature Boy rates this interview:

I agree Ric, I agree. Thanks for spending some time with us Orson! It's hard to tell who's the bigger fag, you or Tebow. Your deep fried beer and boubon on the rocks await you at the tailgate.

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